........SEIZURE........

How do I even start with the most horrific experience of my life? How does one explain how to tell loved ones, friends, strangers what it feels like for me to have a seizure?

I once told my daughter to imagine if she would how happy she would feel to see her very very good friend after not seeing him for two years. He drives into the driveway, she has butterflies in her stomach, she walks to his car, he starts to get out, they are both smiling at each other, then out of no where his head is blown off by a sniper and she sees it all. Would sheer panic/terror explain it?

How about your crossing the street and a runaway mac truck hauling a load of logs is coming straight at you and there is NO WHERE TO GO!

Its sort of feels like that. But I dont die. But people do die with seizures its call Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy SUDEP. But that feeling of sheer panic/terror of knowing a seizure is coming. The panic/terror of coming out a seizure and not knowing what just happened. The panic/terror of knowing you will not have control of your body and what is going to happen when you are unconscious.  I just had a long lost friend from High School tell me she was robbed during a seizure ROBBED, MY GOD ROBBED. How can a person like me, 50 years old feel safe going into public alone? I am a fiercely independent woman and all of my self confidence is quickly going out the window with this "seizure disorder" let me tell you people, I am not liking this is all!

My last TC seizure was the worst. It was August 12, of this year. I was cleaning out my car. I had my drivers licence back for just over 2 months. I had that sick feeling come over me but ignored it. Then I felt the tingling and was so MAD DAMN IT. I though, not again. I ran into the house and saw my daughter Nealy. She is my baby. Yes 16 but still my baby and the one who I wanted to most protect from seeing me have a seizure but I knew I only had a few more seconds before I was going to seize and didn't have time to find Sarah. I handed her my cell phone and said "Don't call 911 call Dad" I also told her to time the seizure as this is very important because anything over 5 mins can kill you and I was out!

This was my worst seizure yet as I said earlier. When I woke it was hard coming to. I was scared really scared this time. I felt like I was going to die any minuet. Sarah was rubbing my back as I was throwing up. She was also on the phone with Dr K's office and they wanted me at the ER ASAP. Sarah drove.

All the way there I remember thinking, August 12 was not a good day to die, Please God don't let me die on Aug 12. Maybe tomorrow but Aug 12 was not a good day to die. I can't stress to you all how many times, HOW MANY TIMES I repeated that in my head to God that Aug 12 was not a good day to die. Tomorrow Aug 13 would be OK but today Aug 12 was not going to work for me. The other thing that was really upsetting me about this seizure was this one was so much worst then the last one, and the last one was so much worst then the one before. Oh God please dont let this be a patten of the way its going to be. I dont know how on earth I can ever deal with anything ever being worst then how I feel right now at this moment!

Arriving at the York Hospital Emergency Room they have valet service, What a blessing that was because we had no idea how I was going to walk into the ER. I also think I may of have seizure #2 of the day on arrival not sure?

What a difference between hospitals I also want to add. I am so glad I told Nealy NOT TO CALL 911 and had Sarah drive me to my Dr's Hospital instead well I guess this would be my hospital too right? (Oh boy I now have a hospital, would rather have a soap on a rope to be honest)

Gary arrived at the hospital shortly after we did and sent the girls home. Part of all this is seeing your children upset. Kids are strong and they say it does not bother them. I hope they are telling me the truth? I do sort of get a kick out of Sarah and the way she laughs afterwards at the way I act during a seizure. Again I have to see humor in life and if you can't laugh at yourself then you can't laugh at all LOL

This was now my third documented Tonic-Clonic seizure.

Lost my drivers license for 3 months damn it!!

When we got home several hours later Gary tucked me into bed and I slept. After a seizure all you want to do is sleep. Sleep for days sometimes. Your body feels like you were hit by a truck. You hurt, Your arms and legs cramp. Your head is pounding. Your stomach hurts from throwing up. Your eyes are blurry. You cant think straight. Your not sure what day of the week it is. Your cold. Its like the flu but nothing at all like the flu. It's so hard to explain. Just sleep Beth it will be ok tomorrow, I hope