The Receiving End

I have been at the giving end. One year my friend and I took on an entire children's home. Oh we had so much fun. We had a list from the nuns, We had a warehouse of men who were throwing us money (I am not even kidding you either) they all wanted to help when they heard what we were doing and Debbie and I went out and we got every single gift on that list. We wrapped it with love and delivered it with hearts filled with Christmas cheer.

I have to say other then the Christmas's I have had with my own kids that was one of my favorites of all time.

This past week I was chatting on the phone with my friend and she said in very casual conversation oh I put you on the list at work to be considered for a Christmas wish or something like that she said. I said "What is that" She said "We do it every year for a family in need, the ....... puts a bunch of family's in need names and their stories together and decides who they will pick and sponsor this year for Christmas I put you in" Oh thank you I said. I then said "Well if I don't get it its sad to think there will be a family worse off then us" we went on chatting and after I got off the phone I lost it.

(CAUTION THIS PART INCLUDES FOUL LANGUAGE. I DECIDED NOT TO REMOVE IT AS IT WAS HOW I FELT AND THIS IS A JOURNEY AFTERALL)

 I fell to the floor and cried like I had not cried since the day my mom died in 2001. I cried for myself. I cried for my kids. I cried for my husband. I cried because I was so fucking mad at my brain. I wanted to ripped my head off my shoulders and throw it  under the next fucking truck that drove by. I wanted to yell at that woman who said I didn't look like I had epilepsy because I bet if she saw me now she would change her mind. Happy now fucking lady. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LUNATIC NOW  LADY BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT EPILEPSY LOOKS LIKE AND HAS DONE TO MY FAMILY.

I layed there as my dogs Jesse and Rigby looked at me and tried to figure out what was wrong. They both knew I didnt have a seizure and even came over with a ball Jesse did hoping he could get me to look at the happy side of life. It worked thank you Jesse Dog and as I picked myself up off the floor and opened the door to play ball I saw the sun shinning I realized I needed to be thankful I had a friend who cared about me enought to put my name in.

Update.....................I asked my friend to withdraw our name. I know my $$ will get better and it has and I didnt want to take away thing from any child needing a Merry Christmas