I sit here today Thanksgivings Day and want to talk about a friend of mine. I have been so lucky to have been blessed with so many over the years and would like to bless all of my friends and family because you are all loved but today I would like bring one special woman to the front.
A few posts back I made mention to a saying............
People come into your lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.........
So where would Rosy come in?
When I first meet Rose It was a reason. I wanted a Job and she was the boss. No brainier!
Between Rose and Pete I was hired but I worked for Pete not Rose so she and I didn't really become friends per say. Rose always had a G'day in passing always had a cheery smile on her face and always had something positive to pass along.
Rose left the company and so there it was she was just a season. I missed Rose of course, we all did but she was a reason and a season..... so I though.
Social Networking the way of the future.......The way life is.......Or like the Maine slogan......The Way Life Should Be............what ever it is, social networking is here and I for one really like it.
Facebook, Twitter, Phone Texting what ever it is to stay connected, find lost friends, I LOVE IT. Throw in the added bonus of Farmville and well you just found a pig in shit here people hehehe (more on Farmvill in a later post I promise LOL)
Rosy and I found each other and so begins the lifetime..............
Rosy the postive one. If the world were upside down (well it is to her, she is from Australia) she will only see good, She will not allow herself to see evil. That would only get in her way of having a wonderful G'day and damn if that wouldnt piss her off and Rosy wont allow anyone to control who she is but Rosy!
See Rosy has taught me that it's you Beth who has control over you! Now of course I know this but along the way I sort of forgot it and to be honest since I havent been working and being told I have epilepsy things have been somewhat hard, OK OK really hard I can and do get into real slumps and have full blown Rock and Roll pity partys for myself and need to stop.
I swear just when I think I have leaned a little to far over the edge Rosy pops up with her G'day Beth and I just have to laugh and say Hello Rosy back.
Rosy, You started off as a reason, you became what I though was a season and now my friend you are a lifetime. I love you and today Thanksgiving Day I give thanks to the day you intimidated the HELL out of me and hired me and became my friend. You have been the one who has reminded me that I am still the strong woman I was the day you hired me. You have not for one second let me forgot I still can do what I put my mind to do. You have not let it slip my mind that I was once the president of my own successful company and can do that again. You picked me up, brush me off, yes kicked me in my ass and sent me out there again to face the world.
This Day and allot of this blog in fact is a tribut to you Rosy because years ago I used to write. People who know me well knew one of my passions was writting, Know I have a story published in a book and know that after my mom died I gave up writting because it was she who was my biggest fan and it became to painful to write again. But today Rosy its you and your postive words to me telling me I can do what I want to do. I can do anything I want to do. So here I sit and write and thank God for meeting my friend Rosy and for him giving me a lifetime of friendship with you.
Thank you Rosy for being more then a reason and a season.............I love you xoxoxo
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My New Hand Tooled Belt...The brite side of Epilepsy
I have wanted for such a long time a hand tooled belt. Why I wonder? Was it because of my love of horses and the workmanship I always saw on hand tooled saddles? The detail a person so painstakingly carved into the leather to give that saddle a life of its own. Was it the stories my grandfather told me about the west and how the cowboys carved those saddles? I don't know but what I did know was when I did have a horse of my own and wanted that hand tooled saddle and I knew it was out of my price range. I knew it was something I could only dream of. So I guess having a hand tooled belt was the next best thing.
Living in Maine let me tell you your not going to find a hand tooled belt so off to the back burner that went...........................
Until that is your sister Pam 3 and 1/2 years ago invites you to come to Oklahoma to visit her and see the real west! Sister Pam is a traveling gypsy. Not that she is a real gypsy no, She works for FEMA and when disaster hits Pam packs and goes and if the time is right little sister Beth gets to visit and this was a trip I got to visit and took Sarah with me.
We had planned on going to a big horse race but because of weather conditions we were advised not to go so what were three girls going to do in Oklahoma? Well shop of course silly. Pam wanting "real" cowboy boots and Sarah and I just tagging along for the sheer thrill of the whole cowboy shopping experience was just fun so off we go.
In and out all day long "how many boot stores can there be in Oklahoma City" I asked Pam? "Oh about 50 or so" "WHAT are you kidding" NOPE she says and she was not, Never in my life have I seen so many boot stores.
The last store we were in Pam found her boots (silly of course it was the last store because we got to stop we found the boots DUH!!) but as I was standing watching her admire her boots I saw out of the corner of my eye something that sparked a memory...............................
What was that I saw? I decided to take a look and as I walked closer my heart jumped a few beats, my eyes started to sparkle, my hands started to shake. There it was. My hand tooled belt. It was hanging on a rack with other belts but it was all alone by itself in my eyes for that is all I saw, MY BELT. I took it off and felt the tooling. I ran my hands over the workmen ship of the artist. I was in aww of the beauty before my eyes. Yes it was my belt for sure. It took me how long but I had found you my beloved belt!
I wrapped it around my waist knowing how great it would feel to meet the two ends as one........to meet the two ends as one...........I SAID TO MEET THE TWO ENDS AS ONE DAMN IT!!! come on it has to fit I came all the way to Oklahoma and found you, wait is there another one? excuse me Sir do you have a size larger? THIS IS THE LAST ONE IN STOCK, no, no please look again sir, I'm from Maine.........MAINE we don't have Hand Tooled Belts in Maine we have Lobsters and Bears and Blueberries we don't have Hand Tooled Belts PLEASEEEE look again? Sorry Ma'am in his long drawl this is the only belt left. My heart sank, What was I going to do now?
Well there was only one thing I could do, I came this far and I had no choice. I bought my Hand Tooled belt I had dreamed of owning since my days of sitting on my grandfathers lap hearing about the West and even though it took me over three years to do it, I did do it! I lost the weight (Topiramate is a killer on you appetite) and today the two ends meet as one and I wore my brand new three and a half year old HAND TOOLED BELT!!!!!
Living in Maine let me tell you your not going to find a hand tooled belt so off to the back burner that went...........................
Until that is your sister Pam 3 and 1/2 years ago invites you to come to Oklahoma to visit her and see the real west! Sister Pam is a traveling gypsy. Not that she is a real gypsy no, She works for FEMA and when disaster hits Pam packs and goes and if the time is right little sister Beth gets to visit and this was a trip I got to visit and took Sarah with me.
We had planned on going to a big horse race but because of weather conditions we were advised not to go so what were three girls going to do in Oklahoma? Well shop of course silly. Pam wanting "real" cowboy boots and Sarah and I just tagging along for the sheer thrill of the whole cowboy shopping experience was just fun so off we go.
In and out all day long "how many boot stores can there be in Oklahoma City" I asked Pam? "Oh about 50 or so" "WHAT are you kidding" NOPE she says and she was not, Never in my life have I seen so many boot stores.
The last store we were in Pam found her boots (silly of course it was the last store because we got to stop we found the boots DUH!!) but as I was standing watching her admire her boots I saw out of the corner of my eye something that sparked a memory...............................
What was that I saw? I decided to take a look and as I walked closer my heart jumped a few beats, my eyes started to sparkle, my hands started to shake. There it was. My hand tooled belt. It was hanging on a rack with other belts but it was all alone by itself in my eyes for that is all I saw, MY BELT. I took it off and felt the tooling. I ran my hands over the workmen ship of the artist. I was in aww of the beauty before my eyes. Yes it was my belt for sure. It took me how long but I had found you my beloved belt!
I wrapped it around my waist knowing how great it would feel to meet the two ends as one........to meet the two ends as one...........I SAID TO MEET THE TWO ENDS AS ONE DAMN IT!!! come on it has to fit I came all the way to Oklahoma and found you, wait is there another one? excuse me Sir do you have a size larger? THIS IS THE LAST ONE IN STOCK, no, no please look again sir, I'm from Maine.........MAINE we don't have Hand Tooled Belts in Maine we have Lobsters and Bears and Blueberries we don't have Hand Tooled Belts PLEASEEEE look again? Sorry Ma'am in his long drawl this is the only belt left. My heart sank, What was I going to do now?
Well there was only one thing I could do, I came this far and I had no choice. I bought my Hand Tooled belt I had dreamed of owning since my days of sitting on my grandfathers lap hearing about the West and even though it took me over three years to do it, I did do it! I lost the weight (Topiramate is a killer on you appetite) and today the two ends meet as one and I wore my brand new three and a half year old HAND TOOLED BELT!!!!!
Will my MUG be a Wort if I eat it?
Mugwort.......WHAT THE HELL IS MUGWORT AND THE KID WANTS ME TO DO WHAT WITH IT!
Star wants me to look at alternative's to modern medicines for seizures and she says mugwort is a known herb to stopping seizures? Star does not want me in the hospital for 5 days inducing a seizure! OH SHE DOES NOT!!
Here we go again Google don't let me down because I don't want that stupid Bart Simpson comic flashing before my eyes again because I am about to open my mouth and ask a stupid question.
"The Chinese have made use of herbs in order to provide effective treatment for seizures. This practice has been prevailing in China for thousands of years and is today becoming popular around the globe. There is a certain group of herbs that has been singled out as being beneficial for the treatment of seizures."
So the Kid is on to something but do I really want to take Stars advice? I means shes only 21 and all. She is the smartest 21 year old I know! (Don't tell her I told you that she may just hold that over my head and with the head I have right now that could be really easy!!) She has for the past few years studied herbs so she does know somewhat about what she is talking about.
A few years ago I hurt my back and Star made her father drive her someplace so she could pick me horsetail. Now at the time we had horses so why drive when you could walk to the pasture I asked her? She looked at me with a "MOM" look and said "Dad lets go" She picked on the side of the road a herb called horsetail came home and brewed me a tea I was sort of horrified to drink to be honest but put my "Mom" face on and drank. It was so bitter so she added raw honey and not my honey in the cute little bear container either. It tasted allot better and by the last sip my back really did feel better. It was then I knew my little heath nut Star baby was on to something!
But will I take her advice? I don't know. I do know that mugwort is not studied like modern median is. I do know that IF I do spend 5 days in the hospital trying to figure out where in my brain the seizures are coming from which is why this whole conversation of Mugwort came to be with Star I will have a better understanding of my epilepsy which is what I need for myself.
I know my daughter cares. I know she loves me. I know she would not have been so mad at me yesterday if she had not cared. Who gets mad at the neighbors at what they are taking for meds right? She is concerned about her mother and I know that, I'm not stupid (SHUT UP STEVE).
Star I love you the Muchest! But I need to know why at age 50 my brain has started to rob me of my life.
ps, Star mugwort is an amazing herb and yes I am still looking into it!!
Star wants me to look at alternative's to modern medicines for seizures and she says mugwort is a known herb to stopping seizures? Star does not want me in the hospital for 5 days inducing a seizure! OH SHE DOES NOT!!
Here we go again Google don't let me down because I don't want that stupid Bart Simpson comic flashing before my eyes again because I am about to open my mouth and ask a stupid question.
"The Chinese have made use of herbs in order to provide effective treatment for seizures. This practice has been prevailing in China for thousands of years and is today becoming popular around the globe. There is a certain group of herbs that has been singled out as being beneficial for the treatment of seizures."
So the Kid is on to something but do I really want to take Stars advice? I means shes only 21 and all. She is the smartest 21 year old I know! (Don't tell her I told you that she may just hold that over my head and with the head I have right now that could be really easy!!) She has for the past few years studied herbs so she does know somewhat about what she is talking about.
A few years ago I hurt my back and Star made her father drive her someplace so she could pick me horsetail. Now at the time we had horses so why drive when you could walk to the pasture I asked her? She looked at me with a "MOM" look and said "Dad lets go" She picked on the side of the road a herb called horsetail came home and brewed me a tea I was sort of horrified to drink to be honest but put my "Mom" face on and drank. It was so bitter so she added raw honey and not my honey in the cute little bear container either. It tasted allot better and by the last sip my back really did feel better. It was then I knew my little heath nut Star baby was on to something!
But will I take her advice? I don't know. I do know that mugwort is not studied like modern median is. I do know that IF I do spend 5 days in the hospital trying to figure out where in my brain the seizures are coming from which is why this whole conversation of Mugwort came to be with Star I will have a better understanding of my epilepsy which is what I need for myself.
I know my daughter cares. I know she loves me. I know she would not have been so mad at me yesterday if she had not cared. Who gets mad at the neighbors at what they are taking for meds right? She is concerned about her mother and I know that, I'm not stupid (SHUT UP STEVE).
Star I love you the Muchest! But I need to know why at age 50 my brain has started to rob me of my life.
ps, Star mugwort is an amazing herb and yes I am still looking into it!!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thank you Shirl..................... :)
I just got this in my e-mail. How does this woman know when I need her. I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Women have strengths that amaze men.....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Women have strengths that amaze men.....
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Good Bye Mr Scary Dr Monster....Hello Mrs Scary Dr Monster
There comes a time when you have to part ways with a Dr and move on to a new and more specialized Dr. My time came today. I had to say goodbye to Mr Scary Dr Monster and Hello to Mrs Scary Dr Monster.
I will miss Dr K I so loved his sense of humor, his shit eating grin, his pain in the ass side marks. But I know he is not a Dr who specializes in Epilepsy and I need that now.
Today I meet Dr H and NO she was not really Mrs Scary Dr Monster but again any Dr that you have to sit face to face with and look at and tell you why they DON'T know why you are having seizures is scary! And today I have to admit was by far other then being admitted into Baystate July 4 2009 was the scariest sit down I have had to date :(
Good news is I now have a Dr who specializes in epilepsy YEAH!!!!! Bad news is we have to do allot of the tests over because I need a Dr that knows how to read them looking for things we people with epilepsy have that may differ from other people BOOOOO.......AND......I have to do even more tests and one of those tests is the one you have to wear that foolish wire thing on your head for 40-60 hours at home....
Lets look at the good news in that shall we......."IF" Dr H can find anything different or new on this new sleep deprived EEG and the 40-60 hour dohickythingamig I will be wearing at home then............then...........cross your fingers PLEASE................ I wont have to spend 5 days in the hospital off my meds with a staff of I am sure very nice people tying to induce a seizure in me.
I must of had a look of horror on my face because after a few seconds of her telling me this she said well lets try these things 1st and came up with the sleep deprived EEG and the home EEG. Oh my heart sunk in my foot because I never in a million billion zillion years expected a hospital stay!!!!!
Talking to Gary about it I of course came up with 100 great reasons why I cant be gone from home for 5 days. He of course came up with a rebuttal for everyone. When it came to my dogs he said they would be dancing in the streets with me being gone and I swear they heard him and both jumped up and started running circles in the living room as if on clue that Mom was going away the little shits!! I did laugh because it was in fact really funny LOL.
So keep your fingers crossed please and anything thing else you feel you can cross because I really dont like the idea of having to spend 5 days in a hospital to induce a seizure. Oh no not liking that at all!!
I will miss Dr K I so loved his sense of humor, his shit eating grin, his pain in the ass side marks. But I know he is not a Dr who specializes in Epilepsy and I need that now.
Today I meet Dr H and NO she was not really Mrs Scary Dr Monster but again any Dr that you have to sit face to face with and look at and tell you why they DON'T know why you are having seizures is scary! And today I have to admit was by far other then being admitted into Baystate July 4 2009 was the scariest sit down I have had to date :(
Good news is I now have a Dr who specializes in epilepsy YEAH!!!!! Bad news is we have to do allot of the tests over because I need a Dr that knows how to read them looking for things we people with epilepsy have that may differ from other people BOOOOO.......AND......I have to do even more tests and one of those tests is the one you have to wear that foolish wire thing on your head for 40-60 hours at home....
Lets look at the good news in that shall we......."IF" Dr H can find anything different or new on this new sleep deprived EEG and the 40-60 hour dohickythingamig I will be wearing at home then............then...........cross your fingers PLEASE................ I wont have to spend 5 days in the hospital off my meds with a staff of I am sure very nice people tying to induce a seizure in me.
I must of had a look of horror on my face because after a few seconds of her telling me this she said well lets try these things 1st and came up with the sleep deprived EEG and the home EEG. Oh my heart sunk in my foot because I never in a million billion zillion years expected a hospital stay!!!!!
Talking to Gary about it I of course came up with 100 great reasons why I cant be gone from home for 5 days. He of course came up with a rebuttal for everyone. When it came to my dogs he said they would be dancing in the streets with me being gone and I swear they heard him and both jumped up and started running circles in the living room as if on clue that Mom was going away the little shits!! I did laugh because it was in fact really funny LOL.
So keep your fingers crossed please and anything thing else you feel you can cross because I really dont like the idea of having to spend 5 days in a hospital to induce a seizure. Oh no not liking that at all!!
.....THANKFUL YES THANKFUL.....
With all this pity going on in these last few posts I need to stand up straight and tell you all that I am thankful YES,
Thankful for what I do have because I do have wonderful friends and some family left who do care about my well being. I do have a roof over my head and the cutest puppy and chocolate lab ever (Thank you cousin Mary for having to work far away and trusting me with Jesse Dog Oh we so love him!) And some nice friendly cats I love cats by the way.
I'm thankful for my insurance card, Its blue and white and I have never seen it as much as I have in these last few months. I know that there are so many people who don't have one!
I'm thankful for sunny days and rainy days and even cold days. OK its hard to be as Thankful for cold days because those cost me BUT I'M THANKFUL!!!
I'm Thankful Gary is now back to working overtime YEAH!!!!
I'm Thankful I found the best recipe online for homemade bread Oh my gosh is it yummy :) If anyone wants the recipe let me know? or if anyone had a yummy one they want to share please do!
And I do know that even when I do have a complete melt down like I did the other day I know that there is always someone around to lend me a helping hand or a paw and help me get up, brush myself off and go throw a ball because the sun is going to shine and and if I sit on the floor in self pity I might miss it!
I AM SO VERY THANKFUL AND I MEAN THAT!!
XOXOXOXO
Thankful for what I do have because I do have wonderful friends and some family left who do care about my well being. I do have a roof over my head and the cutest puppy and chocolate lab ever (Thank you cousin Mary for having to work far away and trusting me with Jesse Dog Oh we so love him!) And some nice friendly cats I love cats by the way.
I'm thankful for my insurance card, Its blue and white and I have never seen it as much as I have in these last few months. I know that there are so many people who don't have one!
I'm thankful for sunny days and rainy days and even cold days. OK its hard to be as Thankful for cold days because those cost me BUT I'M THANKFUL!!!
I'm Thankful Gary is now back to working overtime YEAH!!!!
I'm Thankful I found the best recipe online for homemade bread Oh my gosh is it yummy :) If anyone wants the recipe let me know? or if anyone had a yummy one they want to share please do!
And I do know that even when I do have a complete melt down like I did the other day I know that there is always someone around to lend me a helping hand or a paw and help me get up, brush myself off and go throw a ball because the sun is going to shine and and if I sit on the floor in self pity I might miss it!
I AM SO VERY THANKFUL AND I MEAN THAT!!
XOXOXOXO
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Receiving End
I have been at the giving end. One year my friend and I took on an entire children's home. Oh we had so much fun. We had a list from the nuns, We had a warehouse of men who were throwing us money (I am not even kidding you either) they all wanted to help when they heard what we were doing and Debbie and I went out and we got every single gift on that list. We wrapped it with love and delivered it with hearts filled with Christmas cheer.
I have to say other then the Christmas's I have had with my own kids that was one of my favorites of all time.
This past week I was chatting on the phone with my friend and she said in very casual conversation oh I put you on the list at work to be considered for a Christmas wish or something like that she said. I said "What is that" She said "We do it every year for a family in need, the ....... puts a bunch of family's in need names and their stories together and decides who they will pick and sponsor this year for Christmas I put you in" Oh thank you I said. I then said "Well if I don't get it its sad to think there will be a family worse off then us" we went on chatting and after I got off the phone I lost it.
(CAUTION THIS PART INCLUDES FOUL LANGUAGE. I DECIDED NOT TO REMOVE IT AS IT WAS HOW I FELT AND THIS IS A JOURNEY AFTERALL)
I fell to the floor and cried like I had not cried since the day my mom died in 2001. I cried for myself. I cried for my kids. I cried for my husband. I cried because I was so fucking mad at my brain. I wanted to ripped my head off my shoulders and throw it under the next fucking truck that drove by. I wanted to yell at that woman who said I didn't look like I had epilepsy because I bet if she saw me now she would change her mind. Happy now fucking lady. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LUNATIC NOW LADY BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT EPILEPSY LOOKS LIKE AND HAS DONE TO MY FAMILY.
I layed there as my dogs Jesse and Rigby looked at me and tried to figure out what was wrong. They both knew I didnt have a seizure and even came over with a ball Jesse did hoping he could get me to look at the happy side of life. It worked thank you Jesse Dog and as I picked myself up off the floor and opened the door to play ball I saw the sun shinning I realized I needed to be thankful I had a friend who cared about me enought to put my name in.
Update.....................I asked my friend to withdraw our name. I know my $$ will get better and it has and I didnt want to take away thing from any child needing a Merry Christmas
I have to say other then the Christmas's I have had with my own kids that was one of my favorites of all time.
This past week I was chatting on the phone with my friend and she said in very casual conversation oh I put you on the list at work to be considered for a Christmas wish or something like that she said. I said "What is that" She said "We do it every year for a family in need, the ....... puts a bunch of family's in need names and their stories together and decides who they will pick and sponsor this year for Christmas I put you in" Oh thank you I said. I then said "Well if I don't get it its sad to think there will be a family worse off then us" we went on chatting and after I got off the phone I lost it.
(CAUTION THIS PART INCLUDES FOUL LANGUAGE. I DECIDED NOT TO REMOVE IT AS IT WAS HOW I FELT AND THIS IS A JOURNEY AFTERALL)
I fell to the floor and cried like I had not cried since the day my mom died in 2001. I cried for myself. I cried for my kids. I cried for my husband. I cried because I was so fucking mad at my brain. I wanted to ripped my head off my shoulders and throw it under the next fucking truck that drove by. I wanted to yell at that woman who said I didn't look like I had epilepsy because I bet if she saw me now she would change her mind. Happy now fucking lady. DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LUNATIC NOW LADY BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT EPILEPSY LOOKS LIKE AND HAS DONE TO MY FAMILY.
I layed there as my dogs Jesse and Rigby looked at me and tried to figure out what was wrong. They both knew I didnt have a seizure and even came over with a ball Jesse did hoping he could get me to look at the happy side of life. It worked thank you Jesse Dog and as I picked myself up off the floor and opened the door to play ball I saw the sun shinning I realized I needed to be thankful I had a friend who cared about me enought to put my name in.
Update.....................I asked my friend to withdraw our name. I know my $$ will get better and it has and I didnt want to take away thing from any child needing a Merry Christmas
Bye Bye Jeep and Bye Bye Beth
No I'm not going anywhere but a part of me did. A part of me died the day my Jeep left my driveway for the last time. Silly you may think but truth is it was one of those things you put on a mental list in your head as "Note to self don't ever get yourself in this position again EVER" and it Killed me!!
Knowing the Jeep was gone was easy, it was a huge relief to be 100% honest. How the Jeep came to be driven out of my driveway was the part that killed me.
A little history on the Jeep 1st. Gary and I love Jeeps, Oh what fun it was to ride in an open Jeep! It was our 3rd Jeep together Gary's 4th or 5th Jeep in all. As I said earlier we wiped out our saving account for reasons and we knew life was short and we wanted to have fun again. I was making good money and we could afford it (mental note #2 never ever finance another vehicle pay cash). Our friends Steve and Cath had a Jeep and we went to the Cape with them the summer of 08 and wanted to have a Jeep the summer of 09 so we bit the bullet and got our selves a Jeep we did.
I also said I was a sales woman and when we decided to buy the Jeep I told Gary to NOT SAY A WORD Let me do the talking just stand there and look like the pretty little husband he is heheheheh. I know sounds so bad but really I am good at what I do and I know sales so let me do my job! I did my job, I did it very well and we drove away with our new toy.
Now that things were so bad, I had been trying to sell the Jeep with no luck at all and I knew the toy had to go and fast. I called the Bank. They suggested I call Dealerships and see if any of them would be willing to buy my Jeep.
This is also where as much as it killed me you have to look at blessing and I found one in the 1st call I made. His name was Jamie. Told me he would come the next day and look at the Jeep.
Jamie showed up right on time, Looked at my perfect Jeep with less then 10,000 miles on it and gave me a price the Bank had never heard a Car Dealership giving a person before (This was a short sale) At one point I started to cry. I don't know why I just did and Jamie told me his story, he said he didn't know why just did. He promised me things would get better. Told me he knew what I was going through because he too had walked in my shoes. Told me a very personal story I wont repeat and it made me feel better. I think Jamie was an angle not a car dealer truthfully that day. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Jamie for whatever it was you were my angle that day standing in my garage, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Now on to why it did kill me to see the Jeep go. I signed on the dotted line. Now I know so many people would say forget about it, move on, so what. But not me. I am and so isn't my husband, we are people of our word. If you cant give people your word and mean it then what the hell can you give them correct! We told the bank by signing on that dotted line that we would agree to make that payment each month on time for the time we agree to and we didn't!!! This is what killed me, is still killing me. I didn't live up to my end of the bargain and that is about destroying me. Yes I will pay the remainder of the balance off and I was lucky to of had an extended warranty and the Jeep may be paid off in full sooner then we expected thank God but still. WE GAVE OUR WORD DAMN IT AND DID NOT FOLLOW THROUGH!!!
Friday night the Jeep left the driveway. Saturday afternoon my bestest friend Shirl took me grocery shopping for food because I didn't have any food nor did I have any money to buy food. Just how low can you get before your belly is lower then a snakes anyway because I think I just found it.
Knowing the Jeep was gone was easy, it was a huge relief to be 100% honest. How the Jeep came to be driven out of my driveway was the part that killed me.
A little history on the Jeep 1st. Gary and I love Jeeps, Oh what fun it was to ride in an open Jeep! It was our 3rd Jeep together Gary's 4th or 5th Jeep in all. As I said earlier we wiped out our saving account for reasons and we knew life was short and we wanted to have fun again. I was making good money and we could afford it (mental note #2 never ever finance another vehicle pay cash). Our friends Steve and Cath had a Jeep and we went to the Cape with them the summer of 08 and wanted to have a Jeep the summer of 09 so we bit the bullet and got our selves a Jeep we did.
I also said I was a sales woman and when we decided to buy the Jeep I told Gary to NOT SAY A WORD Let me do the talking just stand there and look like the pretty little husband he is heheheheh. I know sounds so bad but really I am good at what I do and I know sales so let me do my job! I did my job, I did it very well and we drove away with our new toy.
Now that things were so bad, I had been trying to sell the Jeep with no luck at all and I knew the toy had to go and fast. I called the Bank. They suggested I call Dealerships and see if any of them would be willing to buy my Jeep.
This is also where as much as it killed me you have to look at blessing and I found one in the 1st call I made. His name was Jamie. Told me he would come the next day and look at the Jeep.
Jamie showed up right on time, Looked at my perfect Jeep with less then 10,000 miles on it and gave me a price the Bank had never heard a Car Dealership giving a person before (This was a short sale) At one point I started to cry. I don't know why I just did and Jamie told me his story, he said he didn't know why just did. He promised me things would get better. Told me he knew what I was going through because he too had walked in my shoes. Told me a very personal story I wont repeat and it made me feel better. I think Jamie was an angle not a car dealer truthfully that day. They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Jamie for whatever it was you were my angle that day standing in my garage, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Now on to why it did kill me to see the Jeep go. I signed on the dotted line. Now I know so many people would say forget about it, move on, so what. But not me. I am and so isn't my husband, we are people of our word. If you cant give people your word and mean it then what the hell can you give them correct! We told the bank by signing on that dotted line that we would agree to make that payment each month on time for the time we agree to and we didn't!!! This is what killed me, is still killing me. I didn't live up to my end of the bargain and that is about destroying me. Yes I will pay the remainder of the balance off and I was lucky to of had an extended warranty and the Jeep may be paid off in full sooner then we expected thank God but still. WE GAVE OUR WORD DAMN IT AND DID NOT FOLLOW THROUGH!!!
Friday night the Jeep left the driveway. Saturday afternoon my bestest friend Shirl took me grocery shopping for food because I didn't have any food nor did I have any money to buy food. Just how low can you get before your belly is lower then a snakes anyway because I think I just found it.
Wanta to play a guessing game?
Did you guess yet? Come on its so easy......................
OK you give up I will tell you. Its $10. And that equals for me at this very moment a gallon of milk and my anti seizure drugs because at this very moment I am out of both and both of my checking accounts are negative. Yes folks I'm broke. I win the guessing game sorry you loose!!!
I haven't been able to work since having seizures, I keep loosing my drivers licence and well other reasons but this is not the place to get into it.
If it were not for my husband working and keeping the roof over our heads I don't know where we would be! Well that's not true we would be in a homeless shelter. We were a two income family and we lived as a two income family. We thankfully don't have as much credit card debt as most American families but we do have it. And we do have a large home and it is very expensive to keep. We have two small economic cars that are almost paid for and up until last week had a toy our Jeep. We had a 1999 pick up truck but I sold that this summer to help pay off debt.
Some of you may wonder how someone as smart as myself could have ever of gotten myself into such a mess huh? Well I will give you the short story.
We had a sizable nest egg. We needed it for a life and death matter in 2008 involving someone we loved more then life itself and we used it and we don't for one millisecond regret it. We were on the start of rebuilding it when BAM.........Epilepsy hits.
Its been hard I wont lie.It's been gut wrenching, cry my eyes out, go hungry because OMG will there be enough food tomorrow on the table for my kids and husband HARD. Its been heart breaking telling my kids I'm sorry but no I can't buy your friend a birthday present for the party this weekend is there anyway you can not go or pretend your sick? Try looking at your kid and not keep a face that does not want to crumble to the floor and fucking cry!!! Sorry about the language but its how I feel. Try telling your kid that loves to bake that "sorry but no I cant buy flour because it cost $2.29 and we need toilet paper more" I did just find out where the food pantry was this week. Half of me was so excited the other half of me was dying.
Rigby..Rigatony..Rigaronee..Riggs..My heart..My soul..My Gift
I want to give a whole post to Rigby because he has turned out to be more then just your average puppy. My last post explained how he looked at me and I felt it. I did and it was the oddest thing ever. Rigby was sick as I mentioned and Sarah and I nursed him back to health. Today he is a wild man full of endless energy and sheer happiness and not a day goes by where he does not make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts. He is also not a boxer cross like we though but a pit bull cross something I never wanted to adopt but now that I have one I realize what an amazing breed of dog they are and if I had the money I would adopt more Pit Bulls because the bad wrap they get is bullshit! Responsible pet owners make wonderful pets!
Aug 11, 2010 the day before my last TC seizure Rigby was the biggest pain in the ass puppy ever! What the hell is wrong with you Riggs? Why wont you leave me alone and if you get any closer to me I am going to fall over you! I did notice he was a Velcro puppy that day but did not at all take clue to it. This went on all day long.
Aug 12 as I was saying in my earlier post I was cleaning my car. I was vacuuming it and Rigby was trying to get in and get between me and the steering wheel. He does not like the vacuum and I was confused as to why he was doing this and I was trying to push him away but he was NOT MOVING so I was doing my best to vacuum and deal with a puppy at the same time when that feeling of sickness and tingling came over me. You know what happened next.
Aug 13, my daughter Nealy said to me that Rigby was on the sofa licking my face the whole time I was seizing. She said that he never put his paws on my body but stood by my side and just licked my face until I came to.
Rigby is a rumbustious puppy, he is all paws and its been hard breaking him of jumping on you and using his feet to get your attention so to hear he never put his feet on me shocked me!
A few days later I was telling my friend Wendy this. She has a puppy and also has seizures and said maybe Rigby knew ahead of time you were going to have a seizure. Do yourself a favor and repeat that day. Go outside and vacuum your car and see what Rigby does?
Off I go, I put the car in the same spot, Have the dogs outside, start vacuuming my car just as I was before and NOTHING! Rigby could care less. In fact I called him over and he didn't want to come to close because he does not like the vacuum. Wow wow WOW was all I was thinking at that point.
After this seizure Rigby was allowed on the bed with me that day. He never comes upstairs but he did that day when I came home from the hospital and layed with me. Not the whole time but I think long enough for him to know I was ok. Gary who until that day never liked Rigby and told me that from this day forward he would forever have a special place in his heart for my little guy. I cried. But this time it was not pulling the BIG GUNS it was because I could not believe how special I was to have such a wonderful husband who knew how much my beloved mutt meant to me. No Rigby was not some beautiful graceful Newfoundland, he did not have a pedigree and parents who came from Canada, He did not have his tail because someone though it would be cool to cut it off when he was a tiny puppy only to throw him to the side of the road because they decided they didn't want him anymore. He was not even that cute anymore. But in the eyes of my husband and the eyes of the woman who just had the worst seizure of her life Rigby was the most beautiful thing in the world. The puppy who Sarah and I saved 9 months ago was now saving me and he was beautiful!
Aug 11, 2010 the day before my last TC seizure Rigby was the biggest pain in the ass puppy ever! What the hell is wrong with you Riggs? Why wont you leave me alone and if you get any closer to me I am going to fall over you! I did notice he was a Velcro puppy that day but did not at all take clue to it. This went on all day long.
Aug 12 as I was saying in my earlier post I was cleaning my car. I was vacuuming it and Rigby was trying to get in and get between me and the steering wheel. He does not like the vacuum and I was confused as to why he was doing this and I was trying to push him away but he was NOT MOVING so I was doing my best to vacuum and deal with a puppy at the same time when that feeling of sickness and tingling came over me. You know what happened next.
Aug 13, my daughter Nealy said to me that Rigby was on the sofa licking my face the whole time I was seizing. She said that he never put his paws on my body but stood by my side and just licked my face until I came to.
Rigby is a rumbustious puppy, he is all paws and its been hard breaking him of jumping on you and using his feet to get your attention so to hear he never put his feet on me shocked me!
A few days later I was telling my friend Wendy this. She has a puppy and also has seizures and said maybe Rigby knew ahead of time you were going to have a seizure. Do yourself a favor and repeat that day. Go outside and vacuum your car and see what Rigby does?
Off I go, I put the car in the same spot, Have the dogs outside, start vacuuming my car just as I was before and NOTHING! Rigby could care less. In fact I called him over and he didn't want to come to close because he does not like the vacuum. Wow wow WOW was all I was thinking at that point.
After this seizure Rigby was allowed on the bed with me that day. He never comes upstairs but he did that day when I came home from the hospital and layed with me. Not the whole time but I think long enough for him to know I was ok. Gary who until that day never liked Rigby and told me that from this day forward he would forever have a special place in his heart for my little guy. I cried. But this time it was not pulling the BIG GUNS it was because I could not believe how special I was to have such a wonderful husband who knew how much my beloved mutt meant to me. No Rigby was not some beautiful graceful Newfoundland, he did not have a pedigree and parents who came from Canada, He did not have his tail because someone though it would be cool to cut it off when he was a tiny puppy only to throw him to the side of the road because they decided they didn't want him anymore. He was not even that cute anymore. But in the eyes of my husband and the eyes of the woman who just had the worst seizure of her life Rigby was the most beautiful thing in the world. The puppy who Sarah and I saved 9 months ago was now saving me and he was beautiful!
But MOM.......I promise I will take care of the puppy
I would like to except this award on behalf of my fans, my children, my husband. I would have never of been able to do this without all of your support Thank you (Blow Kiss's) Thank you, Thank you (Blow more kiss's, wipe tears, wave to hubby, smile, hold award high, step off stage)
Rigby........Little tiny black Rigby who we adopted as a boxer/lab mix but by some sort of MIRACLE grew into a Pit Bull/Lab mix!
He was sick when we adopted him. Sarah and I went to a pet store (No he was NOT a puppy mill puppy) to get our Chocolate Lab Jesse a Christmas present and the local rescue league was holding an adoption day and Sarah and YES I admit it fell in love with the tiniest puppy there. I said no we cant adopt, Sarah. I work 40-50 hrs a week. Dad will not be happy and I know there is no way you will take care of a puppy!
BUT MOMMMMM I WILL I PROMISE MOMMMM. I stood there for two hours talking to this man about this boxer/lab puppy but the answer was still NO I knew it was NOT the right time and we just could not do it.
As I took the puppy from Sarah's arms and set him back down in the pen a woman walked over and ever so kindly moved him aside and picked up his much cuter, larger brother and Rigby (well at the time his name was Elvis) looked at me with a look that I had never felt before, Yes felt! and I picked him up and said "Sarah we are taking him" Sarah looked all confused and said "What we are but you just said no Mom" I said "I don't care what I said and you're telling dad I'm not here call him, no wait lets get him out of here 1st"
Oh Dad was not a happy camper, Oh no he was not.(this was the actual photo I took of his face as Sarah walk in with Rigby) Dad was a Newfie Guy. Newfoundlands were his dogs and the fact we had a chocolate lab was something he was still getting used to so for Sarah and I to come home with a Boxer/Lab sick puppy was not making any brownie points in the Breton household, Oh it was not a happy home coming.
I had no choice after seeing the look on my husbands face. I might have to use the BIG GUNS. I knew we had to go to get dinner as it was over looked in the excitement of the puppy coming home and Gary was hungry so off we went for take out. I tried to talk about how Sarah would care for Rigby and Auntie Jo would help (AJ lives over our garage) while we worked and Sarah was in school. Told Gary that Sarah and Nealy have never had a puppy to care for before, Well yes of course we had puppies before Newfies of course but it was me the stay at home mom who took care of them. Nothing worked, NOTHING I said took the anger away from my husband that I came home with a puppy. Damn, I had to do it. I had to pull out the BIG GUN! Yes for all you woman out there I think you might know what I'm talking about? I don't use this often and I don't want to use up my God giving allotment I'm only 49 I may need more! But I knew this was a time I had to use it and here it came....................I CRIED!!!!!
Gary hates to see me cry, Oh he would give me the world on a silver platter to stop me from crying. ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING to stop me from crying. And it worked hehehehe. Sarah got her puppy, I got my happy husband and life in the Breton household was singing again.....
Well sort of, Rigby can be a pain in the ass as he loves to dig holes, chew anything you drop and chase the wind and bark at the neighbors.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
www.whatthehelldoidonow.com
I'm a smart woman. I know there are people out there who will beg to differ but really I am, OK brilliant is more like it (SHUT UP STEVE!!) and I do know that there is a World Wide Web out there at my finger tips (Thank you Al Gore heheheh) I have as a resource to find out about epilepsy but where do I start?
I decided to ask myself a few questions before I started reading everything out there because there is allot of bullshit!
1) I wanted reliable information
2) I wanted expert information from expert sources
3) I wanted to also read about other people like myself.
So where do I start.................Why Google of course...........Google what a funny word huh? I worked with young people and I was the old lady who was always asking a question and ALWAYS and I means ALWAYS getting the same answer GOOGLE IT!! It got to the point where it came in stereo from desks far far away, GOOGLE IT BETH. I would start a sentence by saying "does anyone know" and BOOM I would be cut off with "GOOGLE IT BETH" They were even so kind as to make Google my home page :) Oh and this was the comic they sent me along with making goole my home page heheheh
So off to google I go to find out what I can about epilepsy.
http://www.epilepsy.com/
http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/
http://www.cureepilepsy.org/home.asp
These three pages are the ones I found I like the best because they are the three best ones out there. More information then one can handle in a day. More information then one will learn in a lifetime because it changes daily.
Did you know that November is National Epilepsy Month?
Purple is the color for Epilepsy awareness.
3 million people have Epilepsy in the USA.
1.4 million are adults
1% of the Worlds population has Epilepsy (wow I'm in a 1% of something:(
Just some facts, either way it sucks for me and everyone else who has epilepsy.
I once had a woman tell me I could not have epilepsy because I didn't look like I did, WHAT! She then went on to tell me she knew two people who had epilepsy and I didn't look like them. I was in such shock I was speechless and anyone who knows me knows that is in its self a shock because I can talk no matter what I'm a sales woman! I DIDNT LOOK LIKE THEY DID? What the hell did they look like and what the hell was I to look like that would make you think for sure I had epilepsy I really need to know? Damn I need to start carrying around my EEG report from here on out! To this day I still cant believe that woman was able to crawl out of her cave and walk upright!
I decided to ask myself a few questions before I started reading everything out there because there is allot of bullshit!
1) I wanted reliable information
2) I wanted expert information from expert sources
3) I wanted to also read about other people like myself.
So where do I start.................Why Google of course...........Google what a funny word huh? I worked with young people and I was the old lady who was always asking a question and ALWAYS and I means ALWAYS getting the same answer GOOGLE IT!! It got to the point where it came in stereo from desks far far away, GOOGLE IT BETH. I would start a sentence by saying "does anyone know" and BOOM I would be cut off with "GOOGLE IT BETH" They were even so kind as to make Google my home page :) Oh and this was the comic they sent me along with making goole my home page heheheh
So off to google I go to find out what I can about epilepsy.
http://www.epilepsy.com/
http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/
http://www.cureepilepsy.org/home.asp
These three pages are the ones I found I like the best because they are the three best ones out there. More information then one can handle in a day. More information then one will learn in a lifetime because it changes daily.
Did you know that November is National Epilepsy Month?
Purple is the color for Epilepsy awareness.
3 million people have Epilepsy in the USA.
1.4 million are adults
1% of the Worlds population has Epilepsy (wow I'm in a 1% of something:(
Just some facts, either way it sucks for me and everyone else who has epilepsy.
I once had a woman tell me I could not have epilepsy because I didn't look like I did, WHAT! She then went on to tell me she knew two people who had epilepsy and I didn't look like them. I was in such shock I was speechless and anyone who knows me knows that is in its self a shock because I can talk no matter what I'm a sales woman! I DIDNT LOOK LIKE THEY DID? What the hell did they look like and what the hell was I to look like that would make you think for sure I had epilepsy I really need to know? Damn I need to start carrying around my EEG report from here on out! To this day I still cant believe that woman was able to crawl out of her cave and walk upright!
Who got the A+ on the Med Test?
Oh remember the days of dating your boyfriend and if he forgot your birthday EVEN if it was 11 months away you would cry for 6 days thinking he really didn't love you? I do!!
I used to grill my BF (now husband Gary) on the most important day of the year and for you who do not know the most important day of the year its May 12 Yes my birthday and God forbid when he did forgot..........Oh it was horrible I shutter to think back to that day, BUT the good news is Gary healed and we were married as planned. Just kidding really I am. I AM HONEST Gary's injury was an old football injury ask his MOTHER!!
I know I know Meds Test............I am trying to get to the point of having my husband learn to remember what my meds to memory are just in case for example like what just happened Aug 12 and we are at the ER and they need to know what I am on for meds he has to know off the top of his head what I am taking.
Ta daaa...........Gary Passed............A+
I used to grill my BF (now husband Gary) on the most important day of the year and for you who do not know the most important day of the year its May 12 Yes my birthday and God forbid when he did forgot..........Oh it was horrible I shutter to think back to that day, BUT the good news is Gary healed and we were married as planned. Just kidding really I am. I AM HONEST Gary's injury was an old football injury ask his MOTHER!!
I know I know Meds Test............I am trying to get to the point of having my husband learn to remember what my meds to memory are just in case for example like what just happened Aug 12 and we are at the ER and they need to know what I am on for meds he has to know off the top of his head what I am taking.
Ta daaa...........Gary Passed............A+
........SEIZURE........
How do I even start with the most horrific experience of my life? How does one explain how to tell loved ones, friends, strangers what it feels like for me to have a seizure?
I once told my daughter to imagine if she would how happy she would feel to see her very very good friend after not seeing him for two years. He drives into the driveway, she has butterflies in her stomach, she walks to his car, he starts to get out, they are both smiling at each other, then out of no where his head is blown off by a sniper and she sees it all. Would sheer panic/terror explain it?
How about your crossing the street and a runaway mac truck hauling a load of logs is coming straight at you and there is NO WHERE TO GO!
Its sort of feels like that. But I dont die. But people do die with seizures its call Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy SUDEP. But that feeling of sheer panic/terror of knowing a seizure is coming. The panic/terror of coming out a seizure and not knowing what just happened. The panic/terror of knowing you will not have control of your body and what is going to happen when you are unconscious. I just had a long lost friend from High School tell me she was robbed during a seizure ROBBED, MY GOD ROBBED. How can a person like me, 50 years old feel safe going into public alone? I am a fiercely independent woman and all of my self confidence is quickly going out the window with this "seizure disorder" let me tell you people, I am not liking this is all!
My last TC seizure was the worst. It was August 12, of this year. I was cleaning out my car. I had my drivers licence back for just over 2 months. I had that sick feeling come over me but ignored it. Then I felt the tingling and was so MAD DAMN IT. I though, not again. I ran into the house and saw my daughter Nealy. She is my baby. Yes 16 but still my baby and the one who I wanted to most protect from seeing me have a seizure but I knew I only had a few more seconds before I was going to seize and didn't have time to find Sarah. I handed her my cell phone and said "Don't call 911 call Dad" I also told her to time the seizure as this is very important because anything over 5 mins can kill you and I was out!
This was my worst seizure yet as I said earlier. When I woke it was hard coming to. I was scared really scared this time. I felt like I was going to die any minuet. Sarah was rubbing my back as I was throwing up. She was also on the phone with Dr K's office and they wanted me at the ER ASAP. Sarah drove.
All the way there I remember thinking, August 12 was not a good day to die, Please God don't let me die on Aug 12. Maybe tomorrow but Aug 12 was not a good day to die. I can't stress to you all how many times, HOW MANY TIMES I repeated that in my head to God that Aug 12 was not a good day to die. Tomorrow Aug 13 would be OK but today Aug 12 was not going to work for me. The other thing that was really upsetting me about this seizure was this one was so much worst then the last one, and the last one was so much worst then the one before. Oh God please dont let this be a patten of the way its going to be. I dont know how on earth I can ever deal with anything ever being worst then how I feel right now at this moment!
Arriving at the York Hospital Emergency Room they have valet service, What a blessing that was because we had no idea how I was going to walk into the ER. I also think I may of have seizure #2 of the day on arrival not sure?
What a difference between hospitals I also want to add. I am so glad I told Nealy NOT TO CALL 911 and had Sarah drive me to my Dr's Hospital instead well I guess this would be my hospital too right? (Oh boy I now have a hospital, would rather have a soap on a rope to be honest)
Gary arrived at the hospital shortly after we did and sent the girls home. Part of all this is seeing your children upset. Kids are strong and they say it does not bother them. I hope they are telling me the truth? I do sort of get a kick out of Sarah and the way she laughs afterwards at the way I act during a seizure. Again I have to see humor in life and if you can't laugh at yourself then you can't laugh at all LOL
This was now my third documented Tonic-Clonic seizure.
Lost my drivers license for 3 months damn it!!
When we got home several hours later Gary tucked me into bed and I slept. After a seizure all you want to do is sleep. Sleep for days sometimes. Your body feels like you were hit by a truck. You hurt, Your arms and legs cramp. Your head is pounding. Your stomach hurts from throwing up. Your eyes are blurry. You cant think straight. Your not sure what day of the week it is. Your cold. Its like the flu but nothing at all like the flu. It's so hard to explain. Just sleep Beth it will be ok tomorrow, I hope
I once told my daughter to imagine if she would how happy she would feel to see her very very good friend after not seeing him for two years. He drives into the driveway, she has butterflies in her stomach, she walks to his car, he starts to get out, they are both smiling at each other, then out of no where his head is blown off by a sniper and she sees it all. Would sheer panic/terror explain it?
How about your crossing the street and a runaway mac truck hauling a load of logs is coming straight at you and there is NO WHERE TO GO!
Its sort of feels like that. But I dont die. But people do die with seizures its call Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy SUDEP. But that feeling of sheer panic/terror of knowing a seizure is coming. The panic/terror of coming out a seizure and not knowing what just happened. The panic/terror of knowing you will not have control of your body and what is going to happen when you are unconscious. I just had a long lost friend from High School tell me she was robbed during a seizure ROBBED, MY GOD ROBBED. How can a person like me, 50 years old feel safe going into public alone? I am a fiercely independent woman and all of my self confidence is quickly going out the window with this "seizure disorder" let me tell you people, I am not liking this is all!
My last TC seizure was the worst. It was August 12, of this year. I was cleaning out my car. I had my drivers licence back for just over 2 months. I had that sick feeling come over me but ignored it. Then I felt the tingling and was so MAD DAMN IT. I though, not again. I ran into the house and saw my daughter Nealy. She is my baby. Yes 16 but still my baby and the one who I wanted to most protect from seeing me have a seizure but I knew I only had a few more seconds before I was going to seize and didn't have time to find Sarah. I handed her my cell phone and said "Don't call 911 call Dad" I also told her to time the seizure as this is very important because anything over 5 mins can kill you and I was out!
This was my worst seizure yet as I said earlier. When I woke it was hard coming to. I was scared really scared this time. I felt like I was going to die any minuet. Sarah was rubbing my back as I was throwing up. She was also on the phone with Dr K's office and they wanted me at the ER ASAP. Sarah drove.
All the way there I remember thinking, August 12 was not a good day to die, Please God don't let me die on Aug 12. Maybe tomorrow but Aug 12 was not a good day to die. I can't stress to you all how many times, HOW MANY TIMES I repeated that in my head to God that Aug 12 was not a good day to die. Tomorrow Aug 13 would be OK but today Aug 12 was not going to work for me. The other thing that was really upsetting me about this seizure was this one was so much worst then the last one, and the last one was so much worst then the one before. Oh God please dont let this be a patten of the way its going to be. I dont know how on earth I can ever deal with anything ever being worst then how I feel right now at this moment!
Arriving at the York Hospital Emergency Room they have valet service, What a blessing that was because we had no idea how I was going to walk into the ER. I also think I may of have seizure #2 of the day on arrival not sure?
What a difference between hospitals I also want to add. I am so glad I told Nealy NOT TO CALL 911 and had Sarah drive me to my Dr's Hospital instead well I guess this would be my hospital too right? (Oh boy I now have a hospital, would rather have a soap on a rope to be honest)
Gary arrived at the hospital shortly after we did and sent the girls home. Part of all this is seeing your children upset. Kids are strong and they say it does not bother them. I hope they are telling me the truth? I do sort of get a kick out of Sarah and the way she laughs afterwards at the way I act during a seizure. Again I have to see humor in life and if you can't laugh at yourself then you can't laugh at all LOL
This was now my third documented Tonic-Clonic seizure.
Lost my drivers license for 3 months damn it!!
When we got home several hours later Gary tucked me into bed and I slept. After a seizure all you want to do is sleep. Sleep for days sometimes. Your body feels like you were hit by a truck. You hurt, Your arms and legs cramp. Your head is pounding. Your stomach hurts from throwing up. Your eyes are blurry. You cant think straight. Your not sure what day of the week it is. Your cold. Its like the flu but nothing at all like the flu. It's so hard to explain. Just sleep Beth it will be ok tomorrow, I hope
EEG results......................
I wont spell out the whole page because I don't understand it but what I will tell you is the impression.
Abnormal EEG. Independent low-voltage sharp and slow wave activity was seen in the left and right temporal area. Those waveforms are potentially epileptiform in nature.Clinical correlation is suggested.
I have epilepsy? Well no, Well yes, it means still they don't know but yes I do, they think. Its still a guess but yes I do, they think? (see the patten isn't science wonderful!)
Clinical correlation is yes I have now had two seizures and I have been having auras for a long time but didn't know they were auras so that part makes sense to think I have epilepsy.
The fact is 10% of all people will have at least one seizure in their life time. If a person has 2 unprovoked seizures then they now have a seizure disorder. So my chances of having epilepsy just sky rocketed. Yes folks I just hit the Brain Wave winning lottery ticket here ding ding ding ding........
Dr K explained this all to me and said that my EEG said I was in for a flurry of seizures. I didn't like seizures. OH NO seizures sucked! I will try to explain a seizure in it's own post stay tuned.................
So he started me on Keppra XR 1500 ML
Oh and you can't drive for 3 months..............WHAT!!!!!
Abnormal EEG. Independent low-voltage sharp and slow wave activity was seen in the left and right temporal area. Those waveforms are potentially epileptiform in nature.Clinical correlation is suggested.
I have epilepsy? Well no, Well yes, it means still they don't know but yes I do, they think. Its still a guess but yes I do, they think? (see the patten isn't science wonderful!)
Clinical correlation is yes I have now had two seizures and I have been having auras for a long time but didn't know they were auras so that part makes sense to think I have epilepsy.
The fact is 10% of all people will have at least one seizure in their life time. If a person has 2 unprovoked seizures then they now have a seizure disorder. So my chances of having epilepsy just sky rocketed. Yes folks I just hit the Brain Wave winning lottery ticket here ding ding ding ding........
Dr K explained this all to me and said that my EEG said I was in for a flurry of seizures. I didn't like seizures. OH NO seizures sucked! I will try to explain a seizure in it's own post stay tuned.................
So he started me on Keppra XR 1500 ML
Oh and you can't drive for 3 months..............WHAT!!!!!
Hello again Mr Scary Dr Monster...I mean Dr K.
Now Dr K was becoming Dr Scary Monster again because I know now I didn't faint and I know damn well Dr "LOVE" was a real idiot to think I had a panic attack. So what the hell happened to me?
I walked into Dr K's office and he said "Hi Beth you fainted again?" with that shit eating grin I so loved to see on his face. I said "Oh no Dr Scary Monster I had a panic attack I have the paper to prove it" (there was a small part of me wanting to believe that I did have a panic attack who wants to think there is something REALLY wrong with you?) He said "Beth you had a seizure and we need to get you a sleep deprived EEG to see what is going on in that brain of yours' AH HUH! I do have a brain I thought HAHA Linda was wrong!!!
I have in the past gone through sleep deprived EEG's in the past with my children so I knew what I was up for (no pun intended heheheh) I can do that, 3 hours sleep in a 24 hr period. I have done that, I was free, young and 21 before.
The date was set. The coffee pot was OFF and I was up. Oh it was not what it was when I was 21 that is for sure. It was not even what it was like 15 years ago when my kids were little. Why on earth could I not do this! Why was late night TV so horrible? Did I not think days ahead of time to at least DVR some good TV so I could at least have something to do? OK hit the timeshare rental forums there is always something new to learn today in the rental business and pray for 3 AM to come soon!
I walked into Dr K's office and he said "Hi Beth you fainted again?" with that shit eating grin I so loved to see on his face. I said "Oh no Dr Scary Monster I had a panic attack I have the paper to prove it" (there was a small part of me wanting to believe that I did have a panic attack who wants to think there is something REALLY wrong with you?) He said "Beth you had a seizure and we need to get you a sleep deprived EEG to see what is going on in that brain of yours' AH HUH! I do have a brain I thought HAHA Linda was wrong!!!
I have in the past gone through sleep deprived EEG's in the past with my children so I knew what I was up for (no pun intended heheheh) I can do that, 3 hours sleep in a 24 hr period. I have done that, I was free, young and 21 before.
The date was set. The coffee pot was OFF and I was up. Oh it was not what it was when I was 21 that is for sure. It was not even what it was like 15 years ago when my kids were little. Why on earth could I not do this! Why was late night TV so horrible? Did I not think days ahead of time to at least DVR some good TV so I could at least have something to do? OK hit the timeshare rental forums there is always something new to learn today in the rental business and pray for 3 AM to come soon!
Friday, November 19, 2010
March 6, 2010 ..."DR LOVE"...
I love sunny days. Today was just the type of Saturday I loved. Sarah and I were talking about what had happened yesterday at work to me. It was the strangest call I had ever received and it had left me very concerned and worried.
I sold vacation rentals. I had a call from a father who could not find his son and asked if I knew how to find someone in Costa Rica. I knew a bit more then most about Costa Rica because I had at one time looked into retiring there but also had worked for the State dept and knew where to find embassy phone numbers fast so I jumped on the Internet with him on the phone and started giving him numbers. This was not part of my job but I heard in his voice the worry he had for his son. I also gave him my cell number and told him to call me if he needed more help.
I was standing in the kitchen doorway telling Sarah all about this call when I felt that feeling again I felt July 4th 2009. At 1st I though it was nothing but knew I was wrong and told Sarah to dial 911 it was happening again. I woke to her holding my head upright telling the operator I was coming to.
DAMN IT I know I did not faint, fainting does not feel like this because I have fainted before. This was different, this hurt, this was confusing, this made my body hurt like a truck just hit me and all I wanted to do was get the guys license plate number and turn him in for a hit and run!!! And who the hell throws up after fainting? And why cant I move one side of my body? And why cant I talk? What the hell is burning!!!
(Just a side note Cath in MA and Dr K did tell me they both though maybe it might have been a seizure I had in July?)
Off I go again to the hospital but this time I end up not at a 1st rate big city training hospital but at a hospital and no apologies either but one that is run by I believe Moe, Larry and Curly without the humor LOVE!!
Yes LOVE. I was called "LOVE" by this idiot Dr LOVE who told me I had a panic attack and I did not have a seizure because I did not bite my tongue "LOVE" nor did I loose my water "LOVE"
This Dr "LOVE" Oh he though he was the cats meow I swear but I just though he was a simple plain idiot "ASSHOLE" every time he called me LOVE I wanted to respone with "Dr ASSHOLE" because I can assure you I had my "LOVE sitting besides me and my other "Oldest dearest LOVE" Karen was also there and she working with Dr's as a living knew this was 100% unacceptable behavior to be coming from a Dr!
I left Dr LOVE with a note to follow up with Dr K on my Panic Attack. And if it were not for the sharp eyes of my beloved husband and a very kind orderly I would of also left without my favorite piece of jewelery. Tell me how all my jewelery was able to make it into a large container and sit by my bedside the whole time I was there but as I was leaving one very special, one very unique piece I wear found its was underneath my gurney under a set of clean sheets to be sitting there all alone? Gee think maybe someone else though it was also a nice piece of unique jewelery? Just wondering how on earth it got there thats all?
I sold vacation rentals. I had a call from a father who could not find his son and asked if I knew how to find someone in Costa Rica. I knew a bit more then most about Costa Rica because I had at one time looked into retiring there but also had worked for the State dept and knew where to find embassy phone numbers fast so I jumped on the Internet with him on the phone and started giving him numbers. This was not part of my job but I heard in his voice the worry he had for his son. I also gave him my cell number and told him to call me if he needed more help.
I was standing in the kitchen doorway telling Sarah all about this call when I felt that feeling again I felt July 4th 2009. At 1st I though it was nothing but knew I was wrong and told Sarah to dial 911 it was happening again. I woke to her holding my head upright telling the operator I was coming to.
DAMN IT I know I did not faint, fainting does not feel like this because I have fainted before. This was different, this hurt, this was confusing, this made my body hurt like a truck just hit me and all I wanted to do was get the guys license plate number and turn him in for a hit and run!!! And who the hell throws up after fainting? And why cant I move one side of my body? And why cant I talk? What the hell is burning!!!
(Just a side note Cath in MA and Dr K did tell me they both though maybe it might have been a seizure I had in July?)
Off I go again to the hospital but this time I end up not at a 1st rate big city training hospital but at a hospital and no apologies either but one that is run by I believe Moe, Larry and Curly without the humor LOVE!!
Yes LOVE. I was called "LOVE" by this idiot Dr LOVE who told me I had a panic attack and I did not have a seizure because I did not bite my tongue "LOVE" nor did I loose my water "LOVE"
This Dr "LOVE" Oh he though he was the cats meow I swear but I just though he was a simple plain idiot "ASSHOLE" every time he called me LOVE I wanted to respone with "Dr ASSHOLE" because I can assure you I had my "LOVE sitting besides me and my other "Oldest dearest LOVE" Karen was also there and she working with Dr's as a living knew this was 100% unacceptable behavior to be coming from a Dr!
I left Dr LOVE with a note to follow up with Dr K on my Panic Attack. And if it were not for the sharp eyes of my beloved husband and a very kind orderly I would of also left without my favorite piece of jewelery. Tell me how all my jewelery was able to make it into a large container and sit by my bedside the whole time I was there but as I was leaving one very special, one very unique piece I wear found its was underneath my gurney under a set of clean sheets to be sitting there all alone? Gee think maybe someone else though it was also a nice piece of unique jewelery? Just wondering how on earth it got there thats all?
Have a Wonderful Life
I fainted...........YUP I fainted is all anyone between York Maine and Springfield MA can come up with is to what happened to me on July 4th 2009.
Did I believe that? No but I have to because there is nothing else to prove it different. If you "Faint" again call me, "See you Beth it was a pleasure meeting you have a wonderful life"
I was excited to hear that because I didn't want to go back to see Dr K again. He was funny and he did make me laugh but come on how many Dr's does a girl really want to have. I have a GP who covers it all and I have a dentist what more do I need correct!!
I skip off to my wonderful life selling vacations..............Or so I though................
Did I believe that? No but I have to because there is nothing else to prove it different. If you "Faint" again call me, "See you Beth it was a pleasure meeting you have a wonderful life"
I was excited to hear that because I didn't want to go back to see Dr K again. He was funny and he did make me laugh but come on how many Dr's does a girl really want to have. I have a GP who covers it all and I have a dentist what more do I need correct!!
I skip off to my wonderful life selling vacations..............Or so I though................
Follow up with Monster I...I mean Neurologist....................
I can't even spell Neurologist and now three days later walking out of Baystate not even having a clue as to what just had happened to me was very scary I won't kid yeah! That word has a whole new meaning now folks, now that scary monster in your closet as a child was now that scary Dr you had to pick up the phone and call! That's right CALL!
"Hello Mr Scary Dr Monster, This is Beth Breton. Yes Bethy Coleman from Kittery,Yes I got married, Yeah I know I used to hide under the bed with my little people silly me I know, I know right you did see me under there, How did you do that anyway? OHHH my sisters let you in the house, I always though it was my little brother funny, Yes, yes they've all done well thank you for asking, yup the kids are all pretty much grown, Gary is working doing well, yes he is the boss, thank you for asking. And your wife she is well? The kids they are following in dads foot steps? good, good.
OK it didn't quite go like that but it may as well of because calling a neurologist is maybe the scariest thing I have ever done for myself other then making a mad dash for cover to hide from the Monster hiding in my closet!
I was surprised though at the appointment. My Mr Scary Dr Monster had in deed changed over the years, he had two eyes, two ears and two sets of limbs COOL. Dr K was in fact funny. I mean really funny and like me had a wicked sense of dry New England humor and I liked that and within seconds I felt at ease and knew I was at least going to be OK for this 1st appointment.
My first sign of his humor took me off guard but because I do have the same humor I got it and could laugh. As Dr K was reading my Baystate report. I sat there looking around. I looked at brains, so is that what mine looks like I wondered because my friend Linda at work always tells me I didn't have one and though for just a min she may be right and was this what I had been missing out on all these years? Looked at the ceiling and how the ceiling panels were not regular panels but the sky and though how cool was that! Looked at my shoes, I wondered if Dr's looked at their shoes when they sat in Dr's offices while waiting for a Dr to read their reports or do they walk into a Dr's office and just know what to talk about?
OK this is what I think Dr K says to me. I think the Dr's at Baystate are right and I agree 100% with them. "OH" I say and "what is it the Dr's at Baystate said because they told me they found nothing?" Dr K says "Yes that's right they know nothing and I agree 100%" with one of those smart ass shit eating grins on his face LOL!
So most people I guess would be mad, pissed off but no not me. I was not happy no but I saw the humor like I said and to me humor make me feel good and I wanted to feel good. It worked.
Dr K sent me to the hospital lab where two of the funnest young lab techs I think they called them selves the Asian and the Blond took 23 viles of blood out of me. I don't remember the blood work but what I do recall was those two girls and the trouble they said they got into at work. If anyone from York Hospital ever reads this I want you all to know those two girls are the best thing to hit the lab ever!!!! What a gift they bring to your lab with their laughter and kindness.
"Hello Mr Scary Dr Monster, This is Beth Breton. Yes Bethy Coleman from Kittery,Yes I got married, Yeah I know I used to hide under the bed with my little people silly me I know, I know right you did see me under there, How did you do that anyway? OHHH my sisters let you in the house, I always though it was my little brother funny, Yes, yes they've all done well thank you for asking, yup the kids are all pretty much grown, Gary is working doing well, yes he is the boss, thank you for asking. And your wife she is well? The kids they are following in dads foot steps? good, good.
OK it didn't quite go like that but it may as well of because calling a neurologist is maybe the scariest thing I have ever done for myself other then making a mad dash for cover to hide from the Monster hiding in my closet!
I was surprised though at the appointment. My Mr Scary Dr Monster had in deed changed over the years, he had two eyes, two ears and two sets of limbs COOL. Dr K was in fact funny. I mean really funny and like me had a wicked sense of dry New England humor and I liked that and within seconds I felt at ease and knew I was at least going to be OK for this 1st appointment.
My first sign of his humor took me off guard but because I do have the same humor I got it and could laugh. As Dr K was reading my Baystate report. I sat there looking around. I looked at brains, so is that what mine looks like I wondered because my friend Linda at work always tells me I didn't have one and though for just a min she may be right and was this what I had been missing out on all these years? Looked at the ceiling and how the ceiling panels were not regular panels but the sky and though how cool was that! Looked at my shoes, I wondered if Dr's looked at their shoes when they sat in Dr's offices while waiting for a Dr to read their reports or do they walk into a Dr's office and just know what to talk about?
OK this is what I think Dr K says to me. I think the Dr's at Baystate are right and I agree 100% with them. "OH" I say and "what is it the Dr's at Baystate said because they told me they found nothing?" Dr K says "Yes that's right they know nothing and I agree 100%" with one of those smart ass shit eating grins on his face LOL!
So most people I guess would be mad, pissed off but no not me. I was not happy no but I saw the humor like I said and to me humor make me feel good and I wanted to feel good. It worked.
Dr K sent me to the hospital lab where two of the funnest young lab techs I think they called them selves the Asian and the Blond took 23 viles of blood out of me. I don't remember the blood work but what I do recall was those two girls and the trouble they said they got into at work. If anyone from York Hospital ever reads this I want you all to know those two girls are the best thing to hit the lab ever!!!! What a gift they bring to your lab with their laughter and kindness.
The Money Shot
In my line of business there was always a picture we tried to direct people to to sell a vacation. It's called "The Money Shot" Its the picture people see and say "OH I WANT TO GO THERE" Well this was my "Money Shot" Notice the beautiful white puffy clouds, See the brick is so red tells me this resort is NEW and not OLD, now no one wants to vacation on the 4th of July in an OLD resort do they. Oh boy YES I will slap down my credit card and book my getaway for the 4th of July.
Oh wait....Its a HOSPITAL and the picture was taken from my room, the OLD section! but the good news was my 1st night the " Stoke Resort" was overbooked and they did give me a room upgrade to the Heart Resort" section with a fireworks view so I did get to see those from my suite.
Who wants "Ocean Front" when you can have this and it being the 4th of July to boot. Just my lucky day I tell yeah!
I would have rather of been roasting in oil then tar'd and feathered then to have been in that hospital bed :(
Who wants "Ocean Front" when you can have this and it being the 4th of July to boot. Just my lucky day I tell yeah!
I would have rather of been roasting in oil then tar'd and feathered then to have been in that hospital bed :(
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Gary did we hit the Baystate Medical reset button?
Was there some sort of push me button I tripped on twice now at Steve and Caths house on the same date five years apart? Was it a secret code Cath and I had to get her out of hosting Steve annual 4th of July party he so loved giving? Was the moons and stars lining up with the earths gravity and pulling me in the direction of Baystate Medical once again? What are the chances of two people from the same family who live 200 miles from this hospital ending up at this hospital on the same date five years apart?
Well anyway our 1st trip was so scary but all ended well. Sarah was OK and we took her home safe and sound. Thank you Cathy (again:)
My trip was a little bit longer and if not for my friend Karen and her very wise words and her very keen since of knowing me and how I hate to owe anyone money I would have walked out of Baystate Medical and drove home.......IV pole dragging.
I arrived at Baystate around 915AM and by 6PM was still in the ER room. They did not know what happened to me but were NOT sure I did not have a stroke and they were not letting me go home. I knew they wanted me to be their guest for the night (so I though it was only a night they are so good at tricking you and they decided to keep me 2 nights 3 days or was it 3 nights 4 days? any way that would be a getaway in travel terms) and they kept telling me a room/bed was being readied for me. OMGOSH how long does that take. Again its a big hospital but what I didn't know was unlike a hotel (Yeah I know hospital don't have check in at 4 check out at 10 what can I say I was in the travel business LOL) they release you 24/7 so beds open 24/7 so here I sat in the hallway in the ER of Baystate Medical waiting for a bed. It was horrible.
But what I know now and didn't know then was I had a seizure and because I had a seizure my brain was not the brain of Beth, Normal Beth is nice (OK don't ask my kids or hubby that or even Karen) normal Beth will sit and wait, yes she will stew as she waits and waits but she will be polite and smile and say "yes please and no thank you". Seizure Beth was someone I didn't know and to be honest she even scared me because I was an angry mad woman and I wanted out of this hospital and I was leaving, IV pole and all if I had to I didnt care! After being told just 30 mins more and it turning into over 2 hours more seizure Beth (honest it was not me) ripped out her IV's I had allot, tore off her sticky things all over her chest, unplugged what ever it was that was beeping and driving me insane and walked out! OK I didn't get out the door because Gary who tried to stop seizure Beth could not and was running ahead of me and had a policeman at the door and he STOPPED ME! So I made a deal with the nice BIG policeman and sat in a chair and said I would not leave until I called Karen....................
Oh Karen, Karen, Karen........first off Hats off to my oldest friend Karen because she was the voice of reason. She was the only voice of reason and Karen works in a hospital and she knows her stuff. I had a nurse, my husband, a very big policeman all trying to get me back into a gurney in that ER room and it was my friend Karen who had my attention. And you know what she said that got my attention? "Beth if you walk out of that hospital now without release papers you will have to pay the entire bill yourself do you want to pay that bill because if you leave your insurance will not pay?" no I said "Well get your ass back in that bed and do what that nurse says NOW" "OK I will" Now that's a friend! 37 years and no dancing around my feelings I tell you. Granted she did try to drown me over a boy when we were 13 (she will deny this but the truth is!) but now at age 49 I think she really does want me around a few more years! I did find out after she was very worried but knows me so well and knew hitting my pocket book was going to work best she was right and I am so thankful she did what she did. I love you Karen xoxox
So after talking to Karen the nurse tells me I can go home, She had no idea I was going to stay but said why don't I just come over here and sit down a bit (on a gurney) so I did and she gave me something and the next thing I knew I was pretty much out of it and before I knew it I was upstairs with a fireworks view room and out for the night.
Happy Birthday USA...........................
Well anyway our 1st trip was so scary but all ended well. Sarah was OK and we took her home safe and sound. Thank you Cathy (again:)
My trip was a little bit longer and if not for my friend Karen and her very wise words and her very keen since of knowing me and how I hate to owe anyone money I would have walked out of Baystate Medical and drove home.......IV pole dragging.
I arrived at Baystate around 915AM and by 6PM was still in the ER room. They did not know what happened to me but were NOT sure I did not have a stroke and they were not letting me go home. I knew they wanted me to be their guest for the night (so I though it was only a night they are so good at tricking you and they decided to keep me 2 nights 3 days or was it 3 nights 4 days? any way that would be a getaway in travel terms) and they kept telling me a room/bed was being readied for me. OMGOSH how long does that take. Again its a big hospital but what I didn't know was unlike a hotel (Yeah I know hospital don't have check in at 4 check out at 10 what can I say I was in the travel business LOL) they release you 24/7 so beds open 24/7 so here I sat in the hallway in the ER of Baystate Medical waiting for a bed. It was horrible.
But what I know now and didn't know then was I had a seizure and because I had a seizure my brain was not the brain of Beth, Normal Beth is nice (OK don't ask my kids or hubby that or even Karen) normal Beth will sit and wait, yes she will stew as she waits and waits but she will be polite and smile and say "yes please and no thank you". Seizure Beth was someone I didn't know and to be honest she even scared me because I was an angry mad woman and I wanted out of this hospital and I was leaving, IV pole and all if I had to I didnt care! After being told just 30 mins more and it turning into over 2 hours more seizure Beth (honest it was not me) ripped out her IV's I had allot, tore off her sticky things all over her chest, unplugged what ever it was that was beeping and driving me insane and walked out! OK I didn't get out the door because Gary who tried to stop seizure Beth could not and was running ahead of me and had a policeman at the door and he STOPPED ME! So I made a deal with the nice BIG policeman and sat in a chair and said I would not leave until I called Karen....................
Oh Karen, Karen, Karen........first off Hats off to my oldest friend Karen because she was the voice of reason. She was the only voice of reason and Karen works in a hospital and she knows her stuff. I had a nurse, my husband, a very big policeman all trying to get me back into a gurney in that ER room and it was my friend Karen who had my attention. And you know what she said that got my attention? "Beth if you walk out of that hospital now without release papers you will have to pay the entire bill yourself do you want to pay that bill because if you leave your insurance will not pay?" no I said "Well get your ass back in that bed and do what that nurse says NOW" "OK I will" Now that's a friend! 37 years and no dancing around my feelings I tell you. Granted she did try to drown me over a boy when we were 13 (she will deny this but the truth is!) but now at age 49 I think she really does want me around a few more years! I did find out after she was very worried but knows me so well and knew hitting my pocket book was going to work best she was right and I am so thankful she did what she did. I love you Karen xoxox
So after talking to Karen the nurse tells me I can go home, She had no idea I was going to stay but said why don't I just come over here and sit down a bit (on a gurney) so I did and she gave me something and the next thing I knew I was pretty much out of it and before I knew it I was upstairs with a fireworks view room and out for the night.
Happy Birthday USA...........................
Whoops forgot my Introduction and Why I'm Blogging........
I guess it would help if I introduced myself before I really got into this blog. Again you have to remember I have epilepsy, It's hard having epilepsy but the drugs to control the seizures are horrible (real catch 22 here) and the one I'm on now (wait a min need to find the bottle so I can spell it.... OK got it) Topiramate makes me forget everything.
My name is Beth but you all should know that. I live in Southern Maine in a sleepy little town. Have a wonderful husband who I have looked at so many times this year and said "Thank God we took a vow 27 years ago because he should never of had to put up with what he has had to go through with this year" Gary I love you! Three amazing beautiful daughters who again I wish I could just wrap them up in my arms and tell them everything is going to be OK. Star, Sarah, Nealy I love you. And two of the most amazing step (I hate that term because it just does not feel right) sons a woman could ask for, Jay and Brian I love you. Three adorable grand daughters Oh my gosh can you say CUTE I love you all so much!!
But the truth is, I don't know if it's going to be OK. I don't and this is what is so scary about what has happened this year.
I am going to try to back track from March and I have to leave so much out in the process but when I get the answerer's and I get the OK to report on them I promise I will because I want the world to know what has happened to me and why it was wrong.
But in the mean time come on over, read what I have to say today. I might be in a really great mood or I may be crying my eyes out who knows. I am a human yoyo and its driving me insane to be honest!! You will find I have a wicked sense of Maine humor. I normally can find anything to laugh at but never at the expense of anyone......that is unless its Steve but he opened that can of worms 1st and oh so many years ago and I'm just following his lead so all is fair when it comes to my good friend Steve from East Long Meadow MA sorry Buddy!!! Oh and Yeah Steve can you feel the love heheheh (it's there you know its there!!!)
My name is Beth but you all should know that. I live in Southern Maine in a sleepy little town. Have a wonderful husband who I have looked at so many times this year and said "Thank God we took a vow 27 years ago because he should never of had to put up with what he has had to go through with this year" Gary I love you! Three amazing beautiful daughters who again I wish I could just wrap them up in my arms and tell them everything is going to be OK. Star, Sarah, Nealy I love you. And two of the most amazing step (I hate that term because it just does not feel right) sons a woman could ask for, Jay and Brian I love you. Three adorable grand daughters Oh my gosh can you say CUTE I love you all so much!!
But the truth is, I don't know if it's going to be OK. I don't and this is what is so scary about what has happened this year.
I am going to try to back track from March and I have to leave so much out in the process but when I get the answerer's and I get the OK to report on them I promise I will because I want the world to know what has happened to me and why it was wrong.
But in the mean time come on over, read what I have to say today. I might be in a really great mood or I may be crying my eyes out who knows. I am a human yoyo and its driving me insane to be honest!! You will find I have a wicked sense of Maine humor. I normally can find anything to laugh at but never at the expense of anyone......that is unless its Steve but he opened that can of worms 1st and oh so many years ago and I'm just following his lead so all is fair when it comes to my good friend Steve from East Long Meadow MA sorry Buddy!!! Oh and Yeah Steve can you feel the love heheheh (it's there you know its there!!!)
When Rattlesnakes bite..........
I know so what on earth does a rattlesnake bite have to do with a person who has epilepsy I bet your asking? The answer is..............
You know you have a great friend after you arrive at Baystate Medical on the 4th of July and your friend who should be hosting the biggest party of the year at her home thinks the person besides you and arrived after you was just attacked by a bear, YUP a bear attack you read that correct! And she is a great friend because she was more concerned about you and what was going on WITH YOU then the person right beside you with only a white curtain between the two of you. I love you Cath and thank you for thinking that poor man was just attacked by a bear and not bitten by a rattlesnake. It took me a long time but when it did dawn on me I knew where your mind was and it was not on him it was on me. This is now as an adult I understand what my grandfather told me as a child. If you can count all your friends on more then one hand your lying!
You know you have a great friend after you arrive at Baystate Medical on the 4th of July and your friend who should be hosting the biggest party of the year at her home thinks the person besides you and arrived after you was just attacked by a bear, YUP a bear attack you read that correct! And she is a great friend because she was more concerned about you and what was going on WITH YOU then the person right beside you with only a white curtain between the two of you. I love you Cath and thank you for thinking that poor man was just attacked by a bear and not bitten by a rattlesnake. It took me a long time but when it did dawn on me I knew where your mind was and it was not on him it was on me. This is now as an adult I understand what my grandfather told me as a child. If you can count all your friends on more then one hand your lying!
Where to begin?
Today is Nov 18th I know because I just check the calendar on the computer not the wall (the wall calandar you have to know the day of the week and that does not always work for me now). Normally I would know this but since I have been on Topiramate I seem to forget everything, (Topirmate is the gernic of Topomax and the slang is called dopeamax or stupidamax) even how to spell simple words so please forgive all spelling errors in this blog PLEASE! Does this thing have a spell check anywhere? YES found it! I have no excuse now that is unless I forget to use it, that is a real possibility here people!
My name is Beth I'm 50, married to Gary for 27 years Nov 26th (WOW hard to believe its been that many years.) We have 5 children. Gary has two handsome boys with his wonderful ex wife and we have 3 beautiful girls. March of this year I had my second Tonic-Clonic seizure. To you who don't know that means Gran Mal. This is really when my new Epilepsy Journey begin but lets start from the very beginning...........
July 4th of 2009 I had my 1st TC seizure. Gary and two of our daughters were at Steve and Caths in East Long Meadow MA. It was 8:30 ish the sun was shinning and I was outside drinking a cup of coffee in my jammies and enjoying it. It had been up to this point a cold and rainy summer and to see the sun on the 4th of the July was a real gift. Gary calls to me and tells me I had better get ready because more people were arriving. Steve and Cath live on one of the biggest parade routes in Western Ma and host the best July 4th party I have ever been to so Gary was right I had better get a move on if I didn't want to be seen by about 100 guests in my jammies in about 15 mins
I head in to the house, get dressed and then into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face when all of a sudden I feel sick, my head starts to tingle and the tingle goes from the top of my head to my chest to my arms and I start to think "Oh my gosh I am having a heart attack" I sit on the toilet for a few seconds thinking it will go away but it does not so I walk into the guest bedroom we are using tell Gary I don't feel well and the next think I know I am waking to Cath telling Gary the Paramedics are here. I didn't want to wake up. I was so content. I was so happy I remember. I though if this was what it felt like to die then OK I'm good!
But OH NO they were not letting me lay there in my peaceful bliss, these paramedics were making me wake up and making me talk. I could hear them, I could see them but my mouth just could not form any words. I remember thinking I know my name its BETH damn it just say it but the words were not coming and now out of my peaceful bliss I was mad. What the hell I was thinking. Was this real, am I dreaming because at this point I was thinking I was in a dream and what was Cath and these paramedics doing in my dream?
Everyone was talking, so many people were in this little bedroom, Gary, Cath, I saw Steve, Kate peeked around the corner. The looks on their faces now were scaring me. Gary looked old. Gary is so good looking this was the 1st time in my life I saw my husband old, terrified and lost. I was now worried sick for him OH MY GOD I love you so much Gary what happend to me! Cath is fun, she's blonde, she beautiful and she was in take control mode. Steve the sarcastic comic always has a zinger comeback at yeah,wont let you out the door without a kick in the ass friend :) now looked like my husband. They all looked scared to death. WHAT JUST HAPPEND TO ME!!!!
In the ambulance I go and the ironic part of this was it was parade day and this being the parade route Steve and Cath lived on and the parade was to start at just the time the ambulance took me away to the hospital all these 1000's of people lined up thinking the ambulance was the start of the parade. EVERYONE WAVED!!! Its funny now looking back and of course I was looking backwards in the ambulance and saw all these wonderful people waving to me. Just funny now. Had to be there I guess LOL.
Stroke............Oh not such a nice word to hear when you dont know what just happend to you huh! but then again having your dad die at 41 of a heart attack and your 49 smoke and yes a tiny bit over weight ok ok a tiny bit more then a tiny bit over weight is maybe a little bit better then heart attack but not really. Riding in the fast lane and in between vomiting I did hear that word stoke spoken more then twice by the very nice 28 yr old girl taking my vitials as she spoke to the hospital and yes it did SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME because I could not hold my vomit bag myself and needed her to hold it (I bet her friends love her when they all party and get way to drunk heheheh). I could not smile as one side of my face was drooping, one side of my body was dead, my right arm I could not move, my right leg I could not move, and I slurred my words. I hope I'm still dreaming............
Baystate Medical, Big City Hospital. Beth Breton, Little Country Girl........oh not always a good match I'm afraid.
My name is Beth I'm 50, married to Gary for 27 years Nov 26th (WOW hard to believe its been that many years.) We have 5 children. Gary has two handsome boys with his wonderful ex wife and we have 3 beautiful girls. March of this year I had my second Tonic-Clonic seizure. To you who don't know that means Gran Mal. This is really when my new Epilepsy Journey begin but lets start from the very beginning...........
July 4th of 2009 I had my 1st TC seizure. Gary and two of our daughters were at Steve and Caths in East Long Meadow MA. It was 8:30 ish the sun was shinning and I was outside drinking a cup of coffee in my jammies and enjoying it. It had been up to this point a cold and rainy summer and to see the sun on the 4th of the July was a real gift. Gary calls to me and tells me I had better get ready because more people were arriving. Steve and Cath live on one of the biggest parade routes in Western Ma and host the best July 4th party I have ever been to so Gary was right I had better get a move on if I didn't want to be seen by about 100 guests in my jammies in about 15 mins
I head in to the house, get dressed and then into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face when all of a sudden I feel sick, my head starts to tingle and the tingle goes from the top of my head to my chest to my arms and I start to think "Oh my gosh I am having a heart attack" I sit on the toilet for a few seconds thinking it will go away but it does not so I walk into the guest bedroom we are using tell Gary I don't feel well and the next think I know I am waking to Cath telling Gary the Paramedics are here. I didn't want to wake up. I was so content. I was so happy I remember. I though if this was what it felt like to die then OK I'm good!
But OH NO they were not letting me lay there in my peaceful bliss, these paramedics were making me wake up and making me talk. I could hear them, I could see them but my mouth just could not form any words. I remember thinking I know my name its BETH damn it just say it but the words were not coming and now out of my peaceful bliss I was mad. What the hell I was thinking. Was this real, am I dreaming because at this point I was thinking I was in a dream and what was Cath and these paramedics doing in my dream?
Everyone was talking, so many people were in this little bedroom, Gary, Cath, I saw Steve, Kate peeked around the corner. The looks on their faces now were scaring me. Gary looked old. Gary is so good looking this was the 1st time in my life I saw my husband old, terrified and lost. I was now worried sick for him OH MY GOD I love you so much Gary what happend to me! Cath is fun, she's blonde, she beautiful and she was in take control mode. Steve the sarcastic comic always has a zinger comeback at yeah,wont let you out the door without a kick in the ass friend :) now looked like my husband. They all looked scared to death. WHAT JUST HAPPEND TO ME!!!!
In the ambulance I go and the ironic part of this was it was parade day and this being the parade route Steve and Cath lived on and the parade was to start at just the time the ambulance took me away to the hospital all these 1000's of people lined up thinking the ambulance was the start of the parade. EVERYONE WAVED!!! Its funny now looking back and of course I was looking backwards in the ambulance and saw all these wonderful people waving to me. Just funny now. Had to be there I guess LOL.
Stroke............Oh not such a nice word to hear when you dont know what just happend to you huh! but then again having your dad die at 41 of a heart attack and your 49 smoke and yes a tiny bit over weight ok ok a tiny bit more then a tiny bit over weight is maybe a little bit better then heart attack but not really. Riding in the fast lane and in between vomiting I did hear that word stoke spoken more then twice by the very nice 28 yr old girl taking my vitials as she spoke to the hospital and yes it did SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME because I could not hold my vomit bag myself and needed her to hold it (I bet her friends love her when they all party and get way to drunk heheheh). I could not smile as one side of my face was drooping, one side of my body was dead, my right arm I could not move, my right leg I could not move, and I slurred my words. I hope I'm still dreaming............
Baystate Medical, Big City Hospital. Beth Breton, Little Country Girl........oh not always a good match I'm afraid.
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